Through a Glass Darkly

I have tried to write this post a dozen times, and a dozen times I have deleted what I wrote. No matter how I tried to say it, not matter what words I used, it never sounded right. Every time I would “finish” my piece and go to re-read it, I would utter a howl of frustration that would spook the cat. Come to think of it, I sounded much like my almost two-year-old granddaughter doing a dinosaur “rawr” when she doesn’t have the words to communicate how she is feeling.

I have never been a person at a loss for words. I have had dry spells where I didn’t feel like writing. I have had writer’s block where I couldn’t come up with or complete a story to save my life, I went through a period where I couldn’t speak properly due to a concussion and had to write down anything even remotely complicated that I needed to say, but I have never been at a loss for words. Until now.

What I need to do is figure out a way to let someone go.

No, not you, reader. It is someone who I was very close to for a very long time. Someone who was my friend, and who, in my heart, always will be.

I do not know what happened to my friend of 15 years. We used to talk on the phone nearly every day. We texted. We would send each other Christmas and birthday gifts. We would post funny or thoughtful things on each other’s Facebook pages. We were totally on the same wavelength. We could talk about ANYTHING. We talked about EVERYTHING. We talked each other down from the proverbial emotional cliffs and through good times and bad. I was always sure about one thing; our friendship was solid. I was there for her if she needed me, she was there for me.

And then, in September of last year, the calls stopped. The last call was rather short and abrupt, there was something she had to do, she had to go, she would call me back. Then…nothing. I tried calling her back a few days later, then once a week for several weeks. But she never picked up. My first thought was that maybe she had lost her phone, but that didn’t make sense because she would still (occasionally) reply to a text I would send. Usually with a one-or two-word response.

The last response was a sticker comment in reply to my wishing her a “Merry Christmas” on Christmas Eve.

I have not heard from her since.

I sent three additional texts. One each in January, February and March, but there was no reply. So, I finally stopped. It hurt my heart to stop, but I didn’t want to push it any further. If she lived closer, I would have simply gone over to her house and asked what the heck was wrong. If she was upset with me for some reason (and I have no idea what that could have been) then I could have sat her down and hashed it out. If it had turned out that she was sick or injured, I could have kept her company. But she lives on the other side of the continent and we do not have any mutual friends who live near her, so those options were out.

I wondered if maybe I had said something that had unknowingly offended her, but going over our last few conversations in my mind, it didn’t seem likely. I could be wrong, but I hope it wasn’t that.

Then I began to wonder if she was taking a sabbatical from social media in general. She had done this on occasion before, though she still kept in contact with me and usually let me know ahead of time that she would be off of her pages for a while. But as the weeks and then a month, and then two months crept by, it dawned on me that something terrible might have happened. Was she having unforseen financial issues? Family issues? Had she had been in an accident? Had she fallen ill? Had she (gulp) died?

An internet search said no. She was still alive. Still living at the same address. There were no police reports involving her. No news stories. No obituaries. Feeling like a friggin voyeur, but at least relieved to know that she hadn’t died or been murdered or something, I sat back after the results of the search came in and realized that, barring the improbable chance that she was in a coma or something, stuck in a hospital, there was only one possibility left.

For whatever reason, she no longer wanted to be, or felt that she could no longer be, my friend.

That felt wrong on so many levels.

Don’t misunderstand me, I know that real friends can go for days, weeks, months, even years without talking and still fall right back into their comfortable relationship. I have a number of friends that this happens with. I see them occasionally, talk to them here and there, and we always part with the knowledge that we may hear from the other tomorrow, or five years from now, and it doesn’t matter.

But this feels far different from those “long distance” friendships. This was such a quick ending. So abrupt. So…final. I hope that I am wrong. I hope that she is simply collecting herself, recovering from whatever happened. That one morning my phone will ring and she will be there, full of news and laughter and love.

I have gone over all the things that could possibly have happened, all the reasons why; gone over them so often in my head that I’ve given myself migraines and gotten physically sick. Even now, a full year since the last time that we spoke on the phone, I am trying to come to terms with her continued silence. Trying to figure out why this happened is like looking through a glass darkly, I can only see the shape, not the details. It’s the not knowing that hurts the worst.

She has been a part of my daily life for so long that there is physical pain in her absence. So, for my own peace of mind, I have to let go and hope with all my heart that, whever she is, whatever has happened, that she will be okay. I am not ending a friendship, for real friendships never end. I am letting go of the heartsickness I feel when I wonder why she felt the need to remain silent. She will always place in my eart, whether she chooses to visit it, or not.

I don’t know if she will ever read this, but in case it ever finds its way to her, this is my message.

Dearest one,

I don’t know what happened, why you have been so quiet for so long, why there have been no calls, no emails, no texts; why you have disappeared from all of your social media sites. I don’t know if it was something that happened on your end, something that I said or did, or something else entirely, but I just want you to know that no matter what, I LOVE YOU. I will always love you. And I am here, if you ever want to reach out to me. I am here. And if, for whatever reason, you no longer feel comfortable reaching out to me, if things have, for whatever reason, changed that much, I may not understand why, but I respect your decision.

Please, I intend no disrespect in posting this message. I am not trying to guilt you into getting in touch, or trying to make you feel any sort of obligation whatsoever. I just want you to know that you have been the best friend that a girl could ask for, and I will always treasure every moment – every conversation that we have had.

I wish you only the best, for now and for always,

All the loves,

Your Steph