Stop Looking at Me!

May I just take this moment to say that Zoom is the Devil. Zoom comes in the guise of light and progress but is truly a deceiver and devourer of souls.

Think I’m exaggerating? Next time you are on a Zoom call watch the faces of those who are logged in. Look at their eyes. They stare at the computer’s camera like zombies. Nodding when it is called for, responding when required to. But they are just husks of humans. Their minds are elsewhere.  

And I’ll tell you something, for someone who has always been super self-conscious, especially body-conscious, sitting through a zoom call, or worse yet, leading a zoom meeting, is like being in a living hell.

Why?

Because everyone is watching me.

No, it isn’t my imagination. I’m not being paranoid. Everyone IS watching me. Well, their cameras are watching me, and that means that any of them could be looking at me at any moment. For that matter, if the zoom leader is recording this call, then they have the ability to go back and watch each individual’s reaction to whatever it was that the meeting was about.

Yes, it may sound like some sort of mental disorder, but when I’m on a zoom call I can feel them watching. I can feel their judgement; “Wow, she looks nothing like her voice sounds”, “Look at the circles under her eyes is she getting enough sleep?” “I wonder why she never got that gap between her front teeth fixed”, “oh look, her glasses are smudged”. “Geez, it looks like she’s put on weight.”

It makes me feel like screaming “stop looking at me!” out loud. And wouldn’t it be just my luck to not be on mute if I were to actually do it.

In a real-time meeting there is no way that everyone is watching you all the time. Even if you are leading the meeting, there are always those that are looking away, glancing at their watches, scribbling on note paper, chewing fingernails etc. You can look away, stare at the ceiling, but oh no, not with Zoom. There are expectations to Zoom, etiquette rules that are expected to be followed; dress appropriately, sit straight, look at the camera, don’t express any sort of negative emotion, keep your voice even keeled, and make sure you mute yourself if there is any background noise. And of course, look presentable. For a woman that means makeup and decently fixed hair.

Also, you are usually not right up in each other’s faces; close enough to see that Craig has forgotten to trim his nose hair again, or that Judy’s foundation is on so thick because she is attempting to cover up a bruise on her cheek.

The real problem is, if it were just a work thing, it wouldn’t be so very bad. I mean, there’s always stuff about work that sucks; things you are required to do that seem pointless; Micromanaging supervisors telling you how to do your job, power-hungry middle managers who are focused solely on their metrics and make demands that are in no way logical, CEO’s preaching company loyalty and dedication but then reneging on pay increases so that they can give more money to their investors. But it isn’t just a work thing.

Zoom and its legions of smaller devils (Facetime, Skype, TEAMS, Google Meet, GoToMeeting) have invaded every corner of our society.

Want to talk to your doctor? Here’s telehealth!

Want to apply for a job? “Here’s a link to our video creation tool, take 15 minutes to introduce yourself, tell us why you are the right person for the job, and we will review your submission and get back to you as soon as possible”.

It seems like everywhere you turn now, you are not just being photographed, but video tapped as well. If you want to “make it” as a performer or singer, make a video! If you want to sell a product, make a video! If you want be an “influencer”, make a video. If you want a job, you’d better ace that video interview!

And if you want people to pay attention to your video, to take you seriously, then you need to make a terrific first impression. Ironically, this explains the huge number of makeup and hair tutorials showing people how to apply makeup or fix their locks in such a way as to make a great impression when being filmed.

Which brings us to TikTok.

TikTok was designed, and in some ways has created what can be referred to as the current “video culture” where everything you do is recorded and shared with the world. Have a great skincare routine? Record it and post it. Have a hint you’d like to share on how to clean your floors better? Make a video. Do you have an opinion on a political or medical topic? Go ahead, record it and share it far and wide. It doesn’t matter if you are right or wrong, if you are good at what you do, or if you suck. It only matters if it goes viral. Because if it goes viral, then you have made it, you are someone.

I know people crave attention. They long for the spotlight. They dream of fame. They like having their talents appreciated and their skills noticed. We ALL do. By making videos of whatever it is they are most proud of (singing, acting, dancing, baking, sewing, cooking, wood carving, ice carving, baby raising) they hope to get the sort of validation that they are looking for. Getting that validation from online friends and followers is how the world works today.

It is a completely different world than the one I grew up in.

My mom was always taking pictures and filling photo albums with embarrassing pictures of me. But they couldn’t be posted publicly. I could do stupid stuff without worrying that one of my friends was filming it and that it would go viral. If I had a wardrobe malfunction it wasn’t immediately online for everyone to laugh at. If my hair wasn’t perfect, or I had dirt under my nails, no one cared or left cruel comments on my page or sent me nasty messages. I might get laughed at in the school hallway, or admonished by an adult, but you could live it down. People would eventually forget about it and life would go on.

Not now.

As the saying goes, “What is posted on the internet is forever.”

That is both the wonder, and the danger of living in a digital world and having a video culture.

It isn’t worse than pre-digital (though the lack of privacy can be a bit of culture shock).

It isn’t necessarily better (though it does provide us with amazing tools for communication and information sharing).

It is just different.

Maybe someday this will all become second nature to me. Or maybe I will never be comfortable sitting in on a zoom meeting or sharing all my personal thoughts and nose hair clipping techniques on TikTok.

But in some ways I will always be a visitor to this video culture. A stranger in a strange land.

And that is fine too.